Want to but Can't

I cannot express the wrestling match my mind has gone through for the last few days. My oldest and now only brother will turn 84 on Monday and they're having a celebration Saturday evening at his home in Carlisle, about 40 miles from me. As we spoke yesterday on the phone I asked as to how many people they were expecting and we determined somewhere between 20 to 30, mostly family. It was at that moment I informed him that I would not be among them, I just wouldn't be comfortable, after 12 weeks of near complete isolation I don't want to roll the dice on this. He said he understood and knows I would be there in thought. As I hung up the phone an emptiness filled my heart, he's going to be 84 and I will turn 73 a few weeks later, not to be morbid but at our age we can't help but wonder if each celebration might be the last. I cannot let my heart overtake my mind the risk is not worth the worry. How do I despise thee Covid 19, I can't possibly count the ways.

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